The Light

As your battle with anxiety takes it's casual roller coaster ride and you're anxiety isn't bothering you as much as it tends to. You begin to realize the smallest things that may bother you. For example, lighting is so distracting to me. If I'm in a place with bright fluorescent lighting such as a grocery store, I begin to feel light headed. Light intensity can be distracting to the point that I tend to forget what I'm doing or saying in that moment. I've worn glasses for as long as I can remember and I've never been more grateful of this than I am now. Taking my glasses off and the world becoming blurry and not intensified is a huge luxury when my eyes feel like they can't handle all of the visual stimulation the world has to offer. Coping with the things that trigger you everyday seems difficult. However it isn't. Finding ways to cope that are easy to implement in your life is a totally blessing and makes things so much easier. I'm learning new things everyday and I know that I'm well on my way.

Mario's Party

Anxiety usually doesn't show itself in the people it effects clearly. However, when it does show itself it's sometimes in funny ways. This weekend during a heated game of Mario Party 4, I couldn't seem to help my boyfriend, Jacob, beat the 2 vs. 2 mini game "Revers-a-Bomb".  "Bob-ombs" which are ticking time bombs with cute little faces are placed in the middle of the playing field and are let loose in different directions. The object of the game is to click the light up buttons to send the "Bob-ombs" in the rival team's direction. Only 10 "Bob-ombs" are allowed to blow up on your side before you're out of the game, in the time span of 20 seconds. Playing this was difficult for me, "Bob-ombs" kept blowing up on my team's side constantly. How could this be when I was only in charge of 3 buttons? It was tiring watching Jacob diverge the "Bob-ombs" effortlessly. 

After a few failures I decided to ask Jacob how he was possibly dodging the "Bob-ombs" so quickly.

He thought for a moment and asked, "Are you staring at the 'Bob-ombs' and then distinctly moving to a button and then pressing it?" 

"Of course I am! How else would I do it?" I asked in response. He goes on to tell me that, he isn't actually thinking about what he's doing. He's simply moving his joystick up and down and pressing the A button repeatedly. Upon trying Jacob's method, we beat the game with zero "Bob-ombs" touching our side of the playing field. I was surprised, shocked even at how simple the game was in actuality.

Jacob and I sat down to think about what had just happened. We realized that the way I initially played "Revers-a-Bomb" illustrated how I take life on. Carefully, precisely and planned. Which didn't seem to let me catch a break under the 20 second time limit. I realized that being overly careful because of my anxiety might have taken away from the limited time I have in my life. That even though it doesn't seem well planned that sometimes going into things mildly blinded could be better than being too careful. 

Of course this is just a Mario Party mini game but it made sense to me and what I am going through. 

It's interesting how people not struggling with anxiety or depression try to explain to actual people suffering from anxiety and depression that they need to open their eyes to what they're missing. The information always goes in one ear and out the other ear. That's okay and it shouldn't frustrate people suffering from anxiety and depression that they can't seem to grasp a hold on the meaning of what other people are attempting to point out. There's also no reason to search hard for an understanding. One day in a strange way, like while playing Mario Party, you'll realize what everyone has been trying to tell you all along. That's freeing.

"Revers-a-Bomb" mariowiki.com

Sigh-FYI

Disassociation is a huge part of living with anxiety. It's possibly the scariest part of anxiety and the toughest portion to overcome.
Derealization is a portion of disassociation in which you feel like the world isn't real and you're watching a movie. It's almost like a Twilight Zone episode where you think you're in a real town but in the end you're actually on a movie set. It feels like you're positive the world is fake and the colors and images are about to melt away to show what's really there. Which of course never happens. When the derealization feeling comes about it's common to try to focus on one thing and not look around, which causes for much more of a panic and disconnect. Usually when I feel like this, I step outside and get a really good look at everything around me. A 360 view of where I am will snap me out and reveal that everything is real and touchable.
Depersonalization is another portion of disassociation in which you feel that you're not in touch with your body or like you're a passenger in the car that is your life. For myself, this happens to me while I am having panic attacks. It's as if part of me is looking at myself and thinking "Really? What're you panicking about, there's literally nothing going on." While the other more powerful part of me is having the actual attack. It's hard. Especially, when there's people as sensible as your later self telling you, "Tell yourself everything is fine." When I'm like, "Thanks. FYI, Half of me already knows that. I just need the other half to cooperate."
It sounds scary, and it is. However, it's also kind of interesting. You have to ask yourself sometimes, "How do people come up with this stuff?" when you watch psychological thrilling TV shows or movies. I bet your bottom dollar that someone has probably really experienced it. The upside to disassociation if any, would probably be the creative and unique perspective you suddenly have on life, that almost seems Sci-fi to everyone else.

Here Comes a Thought

Society paints a pretty detailed picture of how every person should be, and mental health doesn't escape that illustration. There's a stigma surrounding anxiety and depression, that the people living with anxiety and depression are weak. If they were strong willed they wouldn't be suffering.
Much like when someone suffering from anorexia is told to just eat, someone with anxiety may be told to just stop overthinking.
However, the reality is that we have no control over the way we feel or think.
It's not that I necessarily believe there's something to be afraid of or worry about, but just the thought or possibility is overwhelmingly frightening.
Living with any type of condition opens your eyes to things that may be easy to understand specifically because of your condition.
After going through so many panic attacks and feeling like the world is at it's end.
It's easy to understand just how strong the mind is. If my mind can have such a sudden and intense negative effect on the way I feel. If my mind can make my body physically react to something that isn't real and completely wreck my day.
Don't you think my mind can do the opposite?
What if my mind suddenly and intensely had a positive effect on the way I feel. What if my mind made my body physically react to something positively and make my day amazing.
It seems incredibly possible. Just the thought or possibility is overwhelmingly beautiful.

Strong in the Real Way

              Everyone is strong in their own "real way", push aside the idea of strength meaning a big bulky man who goes to the gym every day and drinks protein shakes. What does being strong really mean to you? We all experience life differently what we see as strengths and weaknesses are dependent on how we view the world and the adversities that you personally understand. My sex is female, and because of this I fall under the ever popular statistic that women are Twice as Likely to be diagnosed with anxiety and depression in comparison to men. I swallow the reality that is anxiety every morning as I would a daily vitamin. Having anxiety is not fun. I try to put it into words every day so that I can achieve a way of clearly explaining what it feels like to people who care for me. Today I described it as my mind being a room with a glass window. In the room I'm having normal thoughts like "what will I have for lunch today?" or "This puppy on twitter is so cute". However, behind the glass window are lots of scary "what if" thoughts about things that frighten me. I'm taking in the thoughts because I can see them through the window but they're not really having an effect on me because I'm much more concerned about other things such as cute puppies on twitter. Sometimes, almost like a tragic accident the window breaks and all of these negative thoughts flood the room that is my mind and I have a panic attack. It happens, it's not the end of the world even though it feels like it is every single time. Living with anxiety is enjoying the time you have when the window is in tact but understanding it will break eventually, suffering the damage of when it breaks and sweeping up the broken glass, fixing the window and starting all over again. It's definitely awful. But for me, it's life. I possibly lived the majority of my life not knowing I had anxiety, but I did and I simply thought it was normal. When I was told that I had anxiety it inflamed the hardship I already went through. On top of constantly being afraid I was told by a medical professional that I wasn't normal. Yikes. Not something you want to hear from someone with 8 plus years of education. Luckily, I am now at a place where I have accepted my anxiety as a part of me. Being me is great. I still struggle with getting a handle on things that trigger me but I'm getting there. There's a lot of beauty in the way our mind works. My mind worries a lot more than a normal person, and that's okay. Having anxiety is not romantic. I am not in any way trying to romanticize it. I am only trying to accept myself and love myself despite the fact that I may think a little differently than most people. I hope that through my entries I can not only strengthen my new found love and acceptance for myself but also help others struggling with anxiety and depression do the same. So that everyone can figure what being strong in the real way means to them.